A Perfect World

I'm trying to not think about it. But it keeps creeping in. I try and keep myself busy, but it always seems to get the best of me. I actually was able to forget for awhile. It's almost 8 years, but it still haunts me. There just seems to be too many reminders lately. Dec 3 was his birthday. Every year it's hard. The other day we were in Menards and the guy behind us in the checkout was an alcoholic. You could tell. He smelled of alcohol, but it was a different smell from just the "beer" smell. Alcoholics that have gotten past the point of ever being able to stop have a different kind of smell. Their body processes it different.

Then I swear to God I saw him. He's dead, but there he was. I saw him. Didn't I? There were three gun cases. Three types of bullets. But only two guns - the one he used and another in one of the cases. Where's the third? And he always hated guns. He NEVER wanted to use one. Never hunted. Never.

When the police called that night, I was supposed to be the one to identify him because I was the closest living relative. Why couldn't I wake up that night? I'm a light sleeper. I wake up when I hear the plow go by. I wake up when the furnace goes on. But I did not wake up. Not when Mom shook me, turned on all the lights and yelled at me. She went instead of me, but they said it was ok. They had found his license and used that.

They were sure that the cause of death was the gunshot wound to the head. There was no autopsy, and he was cremated within 24 hours. We never saw the body.

I remember going to a Badger game when we were kids. We went with one of his friends from school. I think his name was Bill. I remember being confused because I have an uncle Bill, but this was not uncle Bill, even though he looked so much like Dad. Same height. Same build. Same hair. Same eyes.

Deep down I know he's gone. It's just that sometimes I wonder. What if? And then it might not hurt so much.